California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fought back tears as he announced his resignation this morning in front of the state capitol to a dumbfounded group of government workers, supporters and movie buffs. He was surrounded by federal marshals, who, hours earlier, had arrested him on several counts of arson, arson for hire, conspiracy to commit insurance fraud and various other crimes related to his participation in the gigantic fire that is currently raging in Southern California, as well as for his "performance" in the 1985 film Red Sonja, which has long been considered criminal.
US Attorney General, Eric Holder, had the charges filed against Schwarzenegger in federal court when an investigation revealed that the fire was deliberately started to collect insurance money. Acting on a tip from an unknown informant, believed to be Benicio "Benny The Torch" Aguascaliente, Holder related how Schwarzenegger had been prowling the bars in Los Angeles for the last several weeks, soliciting someone to burn acreage owned by the state in Southern California.
"We had learned that the Governor had taken out rather large insurance policies on state land adjacent to the Angeles National Forest. He had told our informant that his state was bankrupt, he had no money to pay his employees and didn't know what else to do. The only thing he could think of was some old-fashioned "Jewish Lightning," as he called it, in order to collect insurance money to replenish the state's coffers. What Schwarzenegger hadn't figured on was that his firebug didn't think much of getting paid with state-issued IOUs and contacted our office."
"I admit that I was behind the fire," said the governor, "but I never intended for it to get out of hand like it has. I was thinking only a couple hundred acres, just enough to get a big payout from the insurance companies. I never figured on the firefighters of California laying down like this, dragging their feet, letting the fire get so far ahead of them, burning people's homes. Today, I must tell you that I'm disappointed with their performance in this fire; I can't believe they let me down like this. I guess I should have made sure that their last paychecks didn't bounce before I went ahead with this plan."
With the fire now encircling the city of Los Angeles and encompassing nearly 190 square miles, fire officials warn that the blaze is doubling in size every 24 hours. Fire crews set backfires and sprayed fire retardant at Mount Wilson, home to at least 20 television transmission towers, radio and cell phone antennas, and the century-old Mount Wilson Observatory.
"This fire couldn't have come at a worse time," said one spokesfireman. "If we lose those television transmission towers just when the new season is about to kick off, there's going to be hell to pay. And I don't even want to think about what would happen to this city if the cell phone towers go down. Southern California without cell phone service? My God, the rioting, the looting, the panic in the streets--I just can't imagine the horror. I'll bet 85% of the people in Los Angeles would just as soon be incinerated in this fiery hell as they would trying to live through a day without their cell phones."
"I hope that bastard Schwarzenegger burns for this......"