Thursday, September 10, 2009

Obama, Trying To Revive His Flagging Popularity, Stuns Nation By Naming Ellen Degeneres To Supreme Court

A visibly shaken Sonia Sotomayor was led from the hallowed halls of the Supreme Court this morning, carrying a cardboard box of her personal belongings after being dismissed from the job she had held for mere days.

She was fired by administration hatchet man, Rahm Emanuel, at the behest of President Obama, who is desperate to bolster his waning poll numbers in the face of mounting challenges. "We lost the buzz from naming the first Hispanic woman to the high court and, with this health care thing threatening to drag us down into the Mariana Trench, we felt we needed a blockbuster and Ellen is it!" gushed Emanuel.

"She has great TV presence, legions of fans and will bring a breath of fresh air to that stodgy old institution," he continued. "And when we couldn't come up with the money that Oprah wanted, we felt that Ellen was the horse to ride in this race. Her appointment is all but assured, given her popularity. What senator in his right mind would vote against Ellen? That would be like voting against puppies."

Constitutional law scholars were scurrying to determine the legality of such a move by a sitting administration, but have yet to find an appropriate precedent in historical records.

Ms. Degeneres has no plans to quit her daily television show. "From what I can see, the justices don't really work that many days, so I'm sure I can continue with my hosting gig. And when we do have to be in session, the producers will get a fill-in host. I hope to have all the judges on my show in the near future. We're going to have a great time, I just know it. I can't wait to get Ruthie (Justice Ginsburg) and John Paul (Justice Stevens) up and dancing, like I do on my show. I'm a little concerned about Clarence's (Justice Thomas) dancing--he might be better than me...."

"Well, I always wear a lot of black, so I think that kinda qualifies me for my new job." Ellen Degeneres, Supreme Court nominee

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