Tuesday, September 8, 2009

GOOD NEWS: No Students Die As A Result Of Listening To Obama Speech

Education officials from around the country have declared that there were no student or teacher deaths, no burning of school buildings, no raising of the Russian flag on school property and only a few scattered incidents of elementary school children spontaneously spouting quotes from Marx and Lenin were reported. The much-feared destruction of the ideals of truth, justice and the American way did not come to pass today as Pres. Obama addressed children via a televised remarks on their return to school following the Labor Day holiday.

A sampling of students from here on the Suncoast presented a fairly accurate picture of the student response nationwide to the speech.

Sarasota's Riverview HS student, Ashlee A., offered her insight into the presidential address: "Like, OMG, while the President was talking, like, I was so inspired. He said something--I forget what--and, like, this super-awesome idea just kinda popped into my head. Since I'm, like, the head cheerleader, I thought of this really super-cool routine for Friday night's game. So, like, Ashley will link arms with Ashleigh, then me, Ashlee, will, like, flip over them and be caught by Ashton, our yell leader, then Ashlynn will do the same. It's gonna be sooo super-fab!"

Ashlee's classmate, Josh H., had this to say about the speech: "I dunno. I mean, I heard the dude talkin', but I really wasn't payin' too much attention. See, I sit a row over and two seats behind this cheerleader, Ashlee, and she was wearin' her cheer outfit and, like, all I could think about was her. I mean, I know she doesn't even know who I am, but I saw her writin' a bunch of stuff and I was just thinkin' was what if she was writin' a note to me, sayin' she had this crush on me and stuff or writin' to a girlfriend of hers tellin' her about this really cute kid in her class and it would be me and we would go to the prom and everybody would be all, like, jealous and stuff."

A third opinon came from another classmate, Penwell R., who said: "Who was that guy talking? Dude was boring, man. Blah, blah, blah. I figured it was a good time for some zzzzzzs, except this jerkoff that sits beside me named Josh kept breathing real hard the whole time. I thought the dude was gonna have a stroke or something. Anyway, the president or whoever that was could have done a lot better if he would have had an opening act like Fergie or the Dogg or been, like, a Transformer, know what I'm saying? Now that would have been freakin' awesome!"

Once again, America's school children have demonstrated their amazing ability to peer into the very maw of the political process of this country and come out of this forge of rhetoric none the worse for wear.

Now, it's on to next week when Rush Limbaugh is scheduled to deliver the Republican response to the President's speech, where he is expected to take virulent exception to Obama's socialist message of work hard and stay in school.

"No, madam, your child will not spontaneously combust if she hears the President speak......"

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