Friday, September 11, 2009

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) Plans New Ways To Heckle At Presidential Addresses With His Frat Buddi---Er, His Fellow Republican Legislators

That irrepressible scalawag is back to wiggle his way into your hearts with his loveable antics at Congressional functions! Joe "LOOK AT ME" Wilson, a Republican Representative from the holier-than-thou capital of the Bible Belt, South Carolina, says he has been emboldened by the overwhelming support he's received from the public following his Tourette's-like outburst during President Obama's address to Congress and the nation to outline his health care plan.

Rep. Wilson, who has railed against Obama for not providing any details of his plan, decided to take a cue from the legion of loudmouths that show up at meetings about the health care plan specifically to shout down the speaker and, instead of listening to what the President's plan was, he would just point at him and call him a liar. Expecting to get a standing ovation from his GOP cronies, especially the one holding the handwritten sign that read "What Bill?", Wilson was surprised to see his fellow Republicans squirm in their seats like one of their number just ripped a resounding fart and they were avoiding eye contact at all costs so nobody would think it was them.

Wilson made the obligatory half-hearted apology, hoping not to get sent to the principal's office. But when he went back to boy's room to sneak a cigarette, the guys all told him that was a really cool thing he did and that he was officially now a member of the badass club.

Feeding on the adulation of Tea Baggers, right-wing arch-conservative radio and TV hosts and other assorted loose cannons, Wilson is now going around Washington with a newfound swagger. "That's right, I'm bad. That's right....."

At an all-night kegger last night with his Fellowship frat buddies at the C Street Center (where all the DC hypocrites hang out), Wilson came up with all sorts of "really, really cool ideas." At future Presidential addresses or State functions:

  • Wilson and two other Republican Congressmen will stand up together and take off their shirts and ties to reveal their chests painted with the letters "G", "O" and "P" in blue and gold paint,

  • they will smuggle in air horns,

  • they will bring in howler monkeys, dressed in little three-piece suits and poke them with sharp sticks at the appropriate times,

  • they will appear to be coughing into their hands, but actually saying "bullshit." That always gets them going at basketball games when the fans don't like a call......

  • throw rubber chickens,

  • yell "Elevator, elevator, we got the shaft!"

  • shoot spitballs across the aisle at Democrats,

  • make fun of Hillary Clinton's recent weight gain,

  • close their Bibles loudly and often,

  • stretch and yawn, looooong and loooooud,

  • pretend they fallen asleep and snore aloud,

  • crank up the ringer volume on their cellphone and call each other. When a phone rings, announce to everyone that you've gotta take this call, then loudly discuss the sexual proclivities of the lobbyist and whomever else your screwing, ie, CA state lawmaker and newest Republican bad boy, Mike Duvall, did recently into an open microphone during a break in committee hearings in Sacramento.

Meanwhile, reports have surfaced that Wilson has rescinded his apology and has dared Obama to meet him in the parking lot of the Capitol to settle this thing mano y mano. No word yet from spokesman, Rahm Emanuel, on whether or not the President will accept the challenge.

Stay classy, South (Birthplace of the Confederacy) Carolina

No comments:

Post a Comment