Sarasota Boaters To Join "Hunt For Yellow September" Submarine Lost In Area Waters: Where's Jack Ryan When You Need Him?

Not to be outdone by, of all places, New Jersey and their Russian submarine scare, Sarasota has declared its own submarine emergency. Perhaps not quite as cold-war chic as a lurking nuclear submarine, our own yellow submarine is considerably more stylish and trendy, with sleek lines and rakish lemon twist coloring. And, considering there is a wave of Beatle nostalgia sweeping the country at this very moment, don't think for a minute that there's not a "Yellow Submarine" commercial tie-in there somewhere--maybe the new tagline for a developer teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, whose linear condo project might be saved by painting it 'Glorious Goldfinch' and using the catchy soundbyte, "we all live in the yellow submarine" in their ads. (Oh, you laugh, but, look at the change wrought in Sarasota's skyline by Bobby Darin's "Beyond the Sea" campaign.

Publicly said to be owned by Mote Marine Labs in Sarasota, any true conspiracy theorist will tell you that the yellow sub in question (named, appropriately enough, "Waldo") is either:

• the real Russian nuclear submarine patrolling our shores, just waiting for the signal from the Kremlin to rein down nuclear annihilation upon the heads of innocent American women and children, or
• owned by Exxon and is scouring the Suncoast for the best places to drill for oil on our beaches and is piloted by Rich Swier, Sarasota's own windbag/shill for Big Oil and America, which, to him, are one in the same, who is missing at sea when he lost sight of the Unconditional Surrender landmark on the bayfront, or
• is lost forever, say some original conspiracy buffs, as it has gone off the "edge of the worlde, into the Fiery Pits of Hell itself," or
• recovered by two guys in a bass boat from Arcadia, who have since disassembled it and sold it for scrap to buy more beer for their next fishing expedition, or
• recovered by two guys in a Bayliner from Lakewood Ranch, who sold it to Linger Lodge, where it is now mounted on the wall with the rest of the examples of local wildlife, or
• devoured by the ravenous sea monster known as "Kanga of the Deep," who lives in an underwater cave off Caspersen Beach and eats young, sunburned children and excretes red tide, or
• is lost in what local mariners refer to as the 'Venice triangle,' an area from Sharkey's Pier northward to the south jetty and extending 9 miles off the coast, which over the years has become the graveyard to numerous boats and aircraft and is the real reason that the FAA is poking around Venice airport, since radio frequencies are routinely interrupted in the area, or
• has been sucked to its doom in the swirling 'Vortex of the Damned,' located several miles off the coast of Venice where secret government death panels have been shipping elderly residents for years.

Brainwashed children, indoctrinated by the Obama administration, sing the praises of the missing sub.