Thursday, February 26, 2009

Diocese of Venice Agrees With New Papal Finding: Men And Women Are Different

MSN referenced this survey in an article about the differing ways that men and women rate their vices, as reported by the Roman Catholic Church. Which is a lot like a bank that just squandered billions of stockholder money complaining that men prefer to steal blue pens while women steal red ones.

Catholics are supposed to confess their sins once a year to a priest, who then says "Okie-dokie, you're good to go. See you next year." I call that a good deal. I wonder if they have drive-through confessions? Or email? Could you just leave a message on his answering machine?

Women's top 3 sins in the confessional:
  1. Pride, as in "I hope everybody is jealous of my new shoes."
  2. Envy, as in "I can't believe Muffy has my new shoes in red."
  3. Anger, as in "I hate that bitch, Muffy."
Guy's top 3 are:
  1. Lust, as in "Muffy looks eminently doable tonight in those shoes."
  2. Gluttony, as in "I'm gonna have one more beer and then put the moves on Muffy."
  3. Sloth, as in "Oh, man, I just puked on my shirt. Hey, Muffy, lookin' good, babe...."
Apparently there are hard and fast rules as to what it takes for the priest hearing confessions to issue "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards, relative to the violation. These rules are handed down by the super-secret Apostolic Penitentiary, which I used to think is where they locked up those clergymen who abused little boys. Then I found out that they just ship 'em to another parish when someone catches them. What do they say about shit flowing downhill.....

The survey found that about a third of Catholics no longer thought confession was relevant. Does that mean they think they're perfect or does that mean they think that anything short of a felony doesn't count as a sin?

Pope Benedict XVI (that's his last name: 'XVI') says, "If people do not confess regularly, they risk slowing their spiritual rhythm." Which is, I assume, what they mean by good Catholics using only the 'rhythm method' or abstinence. Abstinence, I assume, means you didn't show up for work that day. So, I assume, if you have good rhythm and don't go to work, you will go to heaven.

In 2008, the Apostolic Penitentiary came up with an updated list of modern sins, such as polluting the environment (I'm talking to you, Hummer drivers), taking or selling illegal drugs (Heaven obviously does not have a baseball team), causing poverty and financial greed, which pretty much rules out Congress and all banks. Just released, the newest sin for 2009 is typing your emails in ALL CAPITALS.

I wonder if Bernie Madoff, Art Nadel and Richard Stanford are considered sinners for their schemes or angels of God for helping to save all their investors from the sin of excessive wealth?

The survey was conducted by Fr Roberto Busa, a 95-year-old Jesuit scholar, who probably figures that being under 80-years old should be a sin in itself.

Father Busa conducts his painstaking research
Catholic Priests are Bored

No comments:

Post a Comment