THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!
IT IS TIME FOR ALL GOOD CITIZENS TO JOIN IN THE FIGHT TO REPEL THE FOREIGN INVADERS THAT HAVE LANDED ON OUR SHORES!
Much to the relief of Red County, Wild Thing, Rush Limbaugh and various other know-it-alls who have been predicting this for years, AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK!
Long suspected of being a Marxist Cuban/Venezuelan plot to take over Florida, a horrible plague has been unleashed upon our fair state. In the past few years, the U.S. Coast Guard has intercepted several boats with Cuban markings in the Florida Straits. These boats, thought at first to contain refugees, were found to have only iguanas, monitor lizards, pythons and bunnies on them. Upon further inspection, there were strong indications that their human handlers had been EATEN by the murderous cargo.
First discovered in the Everglades, these ravenous creatures are marching inexorably northward--right to YOUR doorstep! Right onto YOUR lanai! Slithering out of YOUR toilet!
Yes, America, the time to act is NOW!
Lock your doors! Board up your windows! Head to the Publix to stock up on bread, milk and toilet paper! Lock and load!
Our government will not save you from this menace. In fact, while acting as a so-called "community activist" in Chicago, Comrade Barack Hussein Obama led an effort to introduce monitor lizards and pythons into some of the housing projects there, under the guise of ridding those slums of rodents. HA! His real Communist agenda has come to light, as Lake Michigan now contains so many pythons that shipping on the waterway is endangered.
A resident from Turtle Rock recently found a large snake lurking around her back yard, eying up her cocker spaniel on the lanai. Afraid because of its size and aggressive actions, she called 911. When deputies showed up at her residence a couple hours later, they dispatched the creature with a hail of gunfire. UF scientists examined the bullet-ridden carcass and discovered that it was a Titanoboa ginormicus.
Will you allow our United States of America to fall to these invaders? Just as those Sons of Liberty turned back the British tyrants from our shores, so must we take up arms to expel these scaly Asian marauders from our midst.
If we fail to act now--and act decisively--this could soon be staring at you one morning from behind your prized geraniums: