A-Rod Busted, Then Feels Compelled To Confess

Baseball superstar, Alex "I Never Used Steroids" Rodriguez has admitted using performance enhancing drugs, two days after being named in a Sports Illustrated article as being on a list of 104 players who have tested positive for illegal substance usage.

Coincidence? Well, yeah, I'm sure it was........

As late as a December, 2007, interview on CBS "60 Minutes," Rodriguez vehemently denied ever taking steroids, human growth hormone, aspirin, Viagra or cod-liver oil to increase his athletic prowess. Then, again, in December, 2007, the list with his name on it had yet to be made public, so it didn't seem so important to tell the truth back then.

Texas Rangers owner, Tom Hicks, was surprised by the admission of guilt. "I'm shocked--shocked--that steroids were used in baseball." For the record, Mr. Hicks was also shocked that gambling went on in Casablanca, as well.

In a heart-wrenching confession that his fans can be proud of, A-Rod first blamed the culture of baseball at the time. "Back then it was a different culture. It was very loose." Then, taking a cue from the success of swimmer Michael Phelp's recent admission of smoking marijuana, Rodriquez said, "I was young. I was stupid. I was naive...."

Rodriguez joins Jason Giambi and Andy Pettitte among All-Star players who have confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs and will still continue to be glorified as true Yankee heroes.

Rodriguez is also still expected to attend an event this Friday at the University of Miami, which is renaming its baseball field in his honor, after he made a $3.9 million donation in 2003, coincidentally the same year he tested positive for steroids.

Spokesman, Mark Pray, said that the university waited until 2009 to make the name change official because they wanted to be sure the check cleared. When asked if this scandal would cause any second thoughts for the university to rename the facility for the sullied slugger, Pray said that this incident would only reinforce the University of Miami's relationship with Rodriguez, citing his new found "street cred."

Said Rodriguez, “I did take a banned substance. For that, I’m very sorry and deeply regretful.”

"And that Madonna thing. I'm very sorry and deeply regretful for that, too. Especially for that Madonna thing. Now THAT was really stupid!"


"Look, there were times when I was so screwed up on steroids, I didn't even know which end of the bat I was supposed to use."