Hoping to cash in on recent Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire, the Pittsburgh Pirates have outsourced two pitcher positions to two Indian ballplayers by inviting them to their spring training camp in Bradenton. And, by 'Indian,' I don't mean 'used to play for Cleveland,' I mean 'from the sub-continent.'
And, by 'ballplayers,' I mean 'javelin throwers.'
Both Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel beat out 36,998 other non-baseball-playing Indians in a contest called "Million Dollar Arm Hunt," a talent competition in India promoted by Jeff Bernstein, who is Barry Bond's marketing agent. Some agent. He couldn't find a job for Bonds in 2008, but he could run an 'American Idol' knock-off half of a world away?
True to the Slumdog Millionaire rags to riches theme, neither of these prospects knew the first thing about the Zen that is baseball, with its rich traditions, its revered heroes, its hallowed temples of green grass, brown dirt and excruciatingly-straight white chalk lines.
Had never heard about baseball's steroid past.
Oh, wait, that was supposed to be "baseball's storied past...."
Hell, they had never even heard of Abbott and Costello's Who's On First routine, let alone know who was playing right field. Then again, Costello never figured that one out either.
Their homes in India had electricity, but no running water and tarps for roofs. Yes, just like in Florida after hurricane season!
They learned to speak English from watching Baseball Tonight. Thank God it wasn't something like the Sopranos or Snoop Dogg's Father Hood. Fo' schizzle!
Wait 'til Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly find out about these two guys stealing American jobs from American boys playing America's pastime in America. Why, it's downright un-American!
In India, cows are sacred. In America, we kill them and use their skin for baseball gloves. How's that strike you, boys?
And what about those bus rides through Florida during spring training? Will the Pirate veterans tell them that here in America we ride in the bus, not on the bus?